


Sorrow And Regret

by Mcd111



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Angst, Canon Era, Ghost John Laurens, Ghosts, Hamilton - Freeform, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied/Referenced Sexual Content, Lams - Freeform, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Post-Reynolds Pamphlet, Salty John Laurens, The Reynolds Pamphlet, everyone is sad and angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 14:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mcd111/pseuds/Mcd111
Summary: A world where ghosts and spirits can visit their loved ones after death, Alexander has waited years for John but he never shows. Then, Alexander releases the Reynolds pamphlet, what will John have to say to him?





	Sorrow And Regret

_ Years  _ had gone by without a sign, not a even a whisper of hope. Alexander had held out faith for so long, so long he told himself that one day he would hear it; but he never did. After so long Alexander just accepted that he would never hear from  _ him  _ ever again. if Alexander was being honest, the edges became slightly faded. The once vibrant green eyes he gotten lost in back in the bitingly cold winter nights in Valley Forge, were merely a muted emerald at best. Pages of letters, locked away to be forgotten, discolored ink that had become washed out over the years.

He remembered the scandalous nights of lying to Washington to sneak away with  _ him _ , both of them fully knowing they could be persecuted, arrested, or worse. 

Alexander didn’t even know that what they were doing was indeed adultery until later when he briefly came home from the war.  _ He  _ was married at the time and even had a child! Alexander didn’t even  _ know _ .  _ he  _ did. After Alexander found out, he was shocked; but couldn’t bring himself to really care. He still would flood his lover with affection through said locked away writings, never any less warm to  _ him _ .

But this time was very,  _ very  _ different. This time, both parties  _ knew  _ what they were doing.

Once long ago, Alexander was a starry eyed, fiery young man, who didn’t have even a hint of self preservation in his very being. While maturing a considerable amount, he had never lost the lack of common sense, especially when it came to impulse. 

The fire in the corner convulsed angrily, popping and crackling, hot ambers jumping onto the concrete that surrounds it. He wished he didn’t need it to maintain his body heat, Alexander wished he didn’t have to look at a fire ever again. The firewood and brush just,  _ burning _ . Like many things in his life right now, majority of his friends dead, their memories noble. He thinks about how his memory will always be disgraced from now on, a hollow shell of what honorable he used to have.  _ His legacy _ .

That was always his one flaw if he had one,  _ impulse _ . He loves Eliza to death, oh does he  _ love  _ Elizabeth. But he had done a terrible thing to her, and now  _ everyone  _ knows, well, hindsight is 20/20. He had no other choice, i was either he was exposed by his enemy, Monroe, or he exposed himself out of his own free will with dignity. Perhaps he could have handled the situation with less…  _ crudeness _ . But, that is only for god to decide.

Alexander never had the best luck in love before Eliza, or merely any for that matter. Other than  _ him _ , Alexander was far too busy to indulge in a relationship. Too busy fighting tooth and nail for even a scrap of what came carelessly easy to everyone else here, so when Elizabeth came around he was in awe at the very idea of her;  _ magnificent  _ was an understatement.

So here he was, a bed and breakfast, early hours of the morning after he was hystically exiled from his home by Elizabeth. Alexander sighs and holds his head in his hands, elbows flush against the desk, he rubs his face with exhaustion,tying his hair up with a thin ribbon. Moving to stand up and prepare for bed, he turns around and sees  _ him _ , after all this time… Alexander is met with the image of  _ John Laurens _ , his first friend, his ancient history, his greatest indulgence. He was standing solemnly, his body somewhat  _ transparent  _ looking, blood on the corner of his mouth and splattered on his chest, dried. dark shades of purple and crimson splotches covered his glowing figure. Hair neatly fixed at the nape of his neck, his eyes weren’t the green orbs he remembered, they were hollow and black;  _ lifeless _ . John had broad white wings behind him that were about twice his body across, they shuffled a bit. Dark purple and blue discolorations under his distant, clouded eyes. His pale white face, his freckles still prominent all over his grey toned face. John was wearing a white button down, the two buttons at the collar undone and other than the blood, the shirt was pristine white; wrinkles highlighted by the dim candle light. Alexander was speechless for a few moments, he just stared at him.

“John..?” Alexander rubs his eyes, fearing that this is his tired brain playing tricks on him.  _ Why? _ After all this time had his spirit finally chosen to appear before him. He had been reminded of all his loved one’s spirits except John’s, until now. The reminders were never as vivid as this, they were more indirect, this however, was unbelievable.. Soft energy of his son’s admirations when grief and heartache took over, memories of his mother that seemed to constantly surface, Washington’s thoughts of wisdom after long nights of relentless argument in the Capitol. But John’s spirit was right in front of him.

“Alexander.” he blankly stated.

“ _ why after all this time? _ ” Alexander took a hesitant step forward towards John. 

He didn’t respond, he just walked through Alexander, sitting on the bed. Alexander jumped back and patted himself down, startled by a spirit’s presence flowing through him.

“Why would you do this?” John finally spoke.

“Answer my question first.”

“I don’t owe you anything!” John raised his voice, looking him straight in the eye, wings slightly fluttering and then stilling. he returned his line of sight to the wooden floor, Silence once again reigned in the tense room.

“I need to protect my legacy.” Alexander cleared his throat.   
“By destroying it?” John shot back bitterly.

“ _ Why now? _ ” Alexander said under his breath, looking down. “Didn’t you care enough?”   
“Believe it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around you, Alexander.” John stood up, folding his arms. “I prefer to watch over my  _ daughter _ , rather than you. My apologies if I offended you.” he sneered. “Maybe you should take a minute to rethink your damn morals too.”

“John, I’m sorry… I just had to to do what I had to do. Please understand.” Alexander stepped closer to John, he didn’t push Alexander away. He had missed John so much, Alexander looked down between thm and gently took his hand. Holding it up and intertwining their fingers,John’s pained eyes looking at the laced hands until he snatched his hand back like he’s been burned; John staggered back and Alexander looked at him apologetically.

“I never loved you, Alexander.”

“I know.” He sighed and sat down on the bed, eyes glued to the floor. “I didn’t love you either.” He brought his eyes to meet John’s once again. “John I...” He looked up but was met with an empty room, he looked around but John was gone. Alexander sighed and fell back against the bed, he screwed his eyes shut. He was knocked out his thoughts by a knock on the door and a muffled voice.   
“Everything alright mister Hamilton? I heard somebody else in there, are you okay?” The elderly woman who owns the bed and breakfast voice sounded concerned. 

“Yes Mrs. Scott, just, Uh, working.” he called back, pinching the bridge of his nose at the pathetic excuse.

“Alright sir, let me know if you need anything.” Alexander heard her footsteps soften and the cease, he exhaled.

 

_ My John. _

**Author's Note:**

> this is high key fucking terrible, you can low key see me projecting onto John haha oops.
> 
> yell at me on my tumblr: https://mcd111a03.tumblr.com/


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